Our neighbors are Jewish (Reformed). Betty died last night after about a day in the hospital on life support following a probable heart attack. We saw the ambulance Thursday evening and were able to take Jack (he is 90 years old) to the hospital and be there until his son was able to arrive. Their nephew stopped in last night to give us the news of Betty's death. He will contact us again when the family makes burial plans. Since today is Shabbot we guess that the burial may be tomorrow or Monday at the latest. I'm rather ignorant about Jewish custom but have been reading on the Internet this morning.

I realized that since several of you are Jewish you might be able to help me know how to best be of help to Jack without conflicting with his traditions. From what I've read flowers are a Christian funeral thing and it seems that the burial would be for family and close friends to attend, but a neighbor might be of help by bringing in a meal for the family. From what I've read the best time to stop over to the house while they are sitting Shiva would be after the third day following burial. What I don't know is whether the information I "Googled" applies to Orthodox Jews or all Jews. I do know that they regularly attend the services of a local Reformed congregation.

I'd appreciate any advise. Please be specific as to what I might offer. Thanks so much.

It will probably be announced when and how long the shiva will be at the funeral, and then you can plan accordingly. If it is a 7 day shiva (reform Jews sometimes only do 3 days) then going later in the week is a blessing since it's the first few days that seem to get the most people.

If you were friends with them, then by all means go to the funeral, but save the burial for those closest to the family.

You are correct in that flowers are a Christian thing because the theory is that they die. That's why if you saw the movie Shindlers List, in the end everyone put a stone on the grave, since stones supposedly are around for eternity.

Bringing food is the tradition so the family doesn't have to do anything. Also another thought? You could also offer to help set up and straighten up the house a bit while the family is at the funeral. i did this for my closest friend (went to the funeral and then drove to her Mom's house to set up while they were at the burial) and she was forever grateful.

One doesn't have to limit themselves to one shiva call, depending on how close you were with the couple.

Also donations in the deceased persons name are usually asked for for a favorite charity if you're so inclined

One last thought? even if shiva hasn't started you might want to call or stop over tonight after sundown and ask if there's anything you could do.

Thanks Arlene, I'll stop over this evening after sundown. I had also read about the donation in the deceased persons name to a charity and am waiting to see if a favorite is mentioned in the obituary. Their cleaning lady was already there this morning when I woke up.

Usually groups of friends all contribute to any meals that are brought in for the family. There is normally a sign up list at the Shiva house. (in the kitchen) If they have this just add your name to the list and someone will contact you with your share. Sitting Shiva is for the living, so anything you can do to ease the family's grief is appropriate. Just being there is more than enough.

East Coast and Midwest traditions are a little different than they are in the West.

To the post funeral gathering, here, most people will bring a deli tray, sandwich tray or bakery items. Sometimes liquor. Back East, they usually bring meals for the family and maybe bakery for those staying with the family and guests who are sitting shiva.

Thanks circleboy and Kathy (ChatKat). Family has been coming and going all day with new arrivals just a short time ago. I now think I'll wait until tomorrow afternoon to call (I don't want to intrude) after I've checked the morning paper and I'm back home.

LOTS OF GOOD ADVICE HERE. JUST BEING AROUND FOR YOUR NEIGHBOR WITH WORDS OF COMFORT IS THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE OF MOURNING.
SHIVA IS A PERIOD OF REMEMBERANCE AND THINKING OF THE PERSON'S LIFE AND ALL THE GOOD THEY DID IN IT. PRAYERS ARE USUALLY RECITED EACH EVENING.YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE JEWISH TO ATTEND THOSE PRAYERS.

Kathy, I'm very sorry to hear about your neighbor. You are such a kind person to wish to help them.

I'm not Jewish, but it seems that 90% of my closest friends are. When a friend of mine lost a relative, we brought food over. They too are Reform, but some of their friends and relatives lean closer to Conservative or Orthodox, so I made a point of insuring that the food I brought would be acceptable to all. There are guidelines available on the web to help you learn more about what's kosher. Here's one:

http://www.jewfaq.org/kashrut.htm#Rules

I hope that helps!

Kathy,

Your concern and care is so heartwarming. Your neighbors are indeed fortunate to have you living so close to aide and comfort them!

We, too, are Jewish. Believe me, at a time such as this, any gesture of kindness and compassion is so greatly appreciated. There's really no right or wrong when it comes to people being a support system at a time such as this. Being there at a time of need is THE most important thing you can do.

Our condolances to your neighbor's family.

Thank you all. I went over to their home early yesterday evening with a loaf of bread. Jack delayed the funeral to today because he wanted all his friends to be able to attend. He owned a clothing store in town for many years and has a wide circle of friends. One of his daughters already felt she had everything in order for today but as we visited a short while she did think of two ways I could help (having another neighbor who would not be attending the funeral help her friend prepare things at the house and to bring some bags of ice over at the last minute just before we leave for the funeral). She was glad to be able to meet me and gave me her full name and phone numbers and asked for ours. When my husband's mother still lived in her own place we had the phone numbers of 2 of her neighbors which we sometimes used when we could not reach her so I know comforting this can be.

Once again, thanks to all of you.