Qantas Humor

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
Enjoy!
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P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.


P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a
hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Once again I am sitting here in my office howling and people are walking by staring.

Thanks Denise, This one had me rolling. Laughter is such great medicine for the soul.

I loved this. Where do you find them??

Southwest is also accident free.

Hi Betty,

Once again, my boss forwarded this to me.

Everytime I write or tell that about Southwest I am afraid I have just cast the evil eye on them.

Betty,

Southwest is not accident free. Their pilot overshot the runway in Burbank with a full plane of passengers about a year ago and he got fired. It was big news here. They did not crash, but he did not put on the brakes in time and he just missed the Burbank Hilton Hotel property.

March seems to be a bad month for Southwest. I remember in March of 2000 a SW flight crashed thru a blast fence while landing and crossed a major street, stopping yards from a gas station.

Was it 5 years ago ? - Robert - we are talking about the same plane incident.

Hilarious! I already was laughing and then got to the last one about the hammer and midget. I've just climbed back into my chair.

Priscilla,

Have I redeemed myself from the "drunk guy" with this one?

Glad you liked it. I thought it was so very funny!

Denise, I loved the drunk guy! It was an absolutely perfect waste of time!

Thanks...I feel so much better!

I just love these things that aren't actually jokes (made up, fiction, whatever) but true incidents just make my eyes water as I try to balance on this chair with wheels.

Denise, I'm STILL trying to conquer that Drunk Guy game! I forwarded it to several people, including a nephew in IT who reports that he forwarded to his staff and they all are wasting lots of time on it. It is a monumentally fun waste of time!

"Drunk Guy...The Game You Love to Hate."

drunk guy that got at least 25 meters from moi....
thanx Denise dahlink!

Q. Anyone know the origin of the name QANTAS?
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.A. Queensland And Northern Territories Aviation Service

Yep I knew, but it was an easy question for me! Wonderful feeling to know the answer to something on this board! Lee

It's amazing the things you learn here on LCT! Thanks, CJ!

Well what do ya know? We usually.. (lol) learn new things here daily..ofcourse if you ask us again next month betcha we won't know that answer......
thanx C

Claudia,

I'm just a fountain of useless information! :)

CJ

CJ - you are a perfect fit for being and LCT member!

CJ - love the new avatar/picture! :)

Masaki

Don't agree dahlink!!
:p