Andi,

Sending more prayers and good wishes your way for your family.

And hopefully, Maggie will rise to the occsasion and be the sweet Maggie and surprise you all!

Andi, we are so sorry to hear all this. You guys really do have such a full plate right now!! Give each other the love and support you and Doug need right now! Hopefully, things will work out well between Toby and Maggie too!

Big cyber hugs to you and Doug!!

To Doug and Andi ~ Such a tough stressful time...please know we all have you in our hearts! :hug: :hug: :hug: Bonnie and Jack

Doug and Andi -
You and your family (human and canine!) are in my thoughts and prayers. Remember to take care of yourselves during this stressful time!

When I started this thread, it was just to see if any of you had knowledge of some wonderful airline deal we would take advantage of. You know how the airlines keep changing the game....

Somehow, you, our friends, found this thread and opened your hearts to our situation. Lord knows, the title of this thread doesn't give a clue! I don't know how you all found it!

But, somehow, you did. And you offered good wishes, thoughts and prayers. Andi & I thank you for that.

This little corner of cyber-space has really evolved into some sort of 'family'. I understood that when I caught on that of all those who found this thread and offered words of support, Andi & I have met face-to-face only about half of you!!! The balance have only been in contact here...in cyber-space.
And, yet, we consider you our friends!

I have a feeling that this internet thing could really catch on.

Thanks again, Doug

Andi, I just wanted to let you know that I've been sending positive thoughts toward you and your mom since Doug first started this thread.

Doug: Yes it is an amazing board - Joanna

I ditto that too. Everyone here is pretty amazing.

LCTer's kindness, caring, compassion and empathy really does renew the spirit and faith in humankind!

I want to again thank you all. I've met such wonderful people through LCT. Tonight, I met Donna and she continued the high level of wonderful folks we have met. Looking forward to traveling together on MUSH. It was great getting away from my troubles.

Andi and I had a great time getting acquainted last night admist all the noise in Barnes/Noble coffee shop. Apologies to all the "medical" people on LCT, but dealing with medical problems in US hospitals is a nightmare, especially when the patient is elderly. There HAS to be a better way! I'm happy that Andi was able to get her mind off her troubles even for a short while. Our LCT board is really something special!

I have already sent a private message to Donna, but I wanted you all to hear the great news I received today!!!!

I was greeted this am by the nurse who asked me to wait because my mother was having PHYSICAL THERAPY. This was a woman who was incoherent and screaming in pain yesterday and who hadn't opened her eyes for one week. Then I walked in and she was sitting up and feeding herself. She had refused food for one week and the doctors had told me that I was to have had to decide today about putting her on a feeding tube.

Then, she asked me to locate her jewelry and to give her a mirror so she could see herself. She asked me to give her all the info as to what had transpired for the past week and comprehended everything. We ended up the day looking at pictures of her dog and my daughter and boyfriend. The best news of all is that her acute MI was caused by metabolite issues created by a serious infection. Everything should be reversible.

Thank you all for your support and kindness.

Andi, that is marvelous news. Please tell her we are thinking about her and to keep up the good work!

WOW! What amazing, incredible and wonderful news, Andi. First, Maggie the miracle dog, now your Mother!

So great to hear she has turned her serious situation around! Please send Alan's and my very best wishes to her!

Hugs to you, Andi, from us, as well!

Wonderful news, Andi. Thank you for sharing that with us. Miracles are always welcome.

Truly amazing Andi; I'm sure you're so relieved!

I, too, missed this post because I didn't think I could contribute to airline help.

Glad to hear the good news. I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers. I know the stress you are under when dealing with ill parents, especially out of state. Hang in there.
Miriam

Fantastic news, guys! Glad to hear about the change!

Donna - I hear you ... and hospitals in general could definitely improve in terms of communication with patients and families. But it's not just America - this is true of all hospitals everywhere. :(

Masaki

Andi...I'm so happy for you and your mother. It seems like a miracle when they come back from such dire situations. I pray that she continues to recover.

Andi, what incredible news! I'm so thrilled for you.

Andi,

I was catching up reading your posts about your mother's condition with tears in my eyes and then I read the good news! I am so happy to hear that. I certainly hope things continue to improve!

Another WOW from me, Andi! Wonderful, wonderful news.

So happy for you - Joanna

I just don't get it. Everything was so great yesterday and today she is hallucinating. They're throwing her out of ICU this weekend and into a Nursing Facility. Since she is not looney tunes, they are only considering her wishes -- to stay here in Tucson by herself and there is nothing I can do about it. She wants to stay here in an assisted living facility but hasn't the funds for it and her income is too high for Medicaid.

Oh man, that's terrible. Sorry to hear about this turn of events. Good vibe still coming from the left coast. Hang in there.

Andi, does she still have enough infection in her system to cause the hallucinating? When she was so alert yesterday, was she still insisting on staying in Tucson?

I'm so sorry; I just knew some of this would begin to wind down for you.

Oh, Andi. Such a dramatic turn in so short a period of time. I'm so sorry.

You are doing the best you can, under some extremely difficult circumstances. Alan and I wish you and your Mother well. I do hope that plans for her living arrangements will fall into place and there is a minimal amount of anguish over this for you. Whatever it is both she and you choose to do, know you are giving it your all and in her very best interests.

Andi, what a difficult time for you. If your mother must be in a facility, would you prefer that it is closer to you and Doug? Or does she have a wide group of friends out there? Really tough issues I never had to deal with.

Andi we faced the same thing with Frank's mom. It was all about being independent. We went to her and we were very firm, but, compassionate. We told her that she was being selfish because it was our job and pleasure to make sure she was taken care of and that we could not do that from afar and she was no longer able to do it for herself. We told her that financially it would be a huge drain for us to keep flying (She fell and broke her hip 9/20/01 - a week after 9-1-1) all day on a regular basis to see that her needs were met and that the funds we had available to help her would be wasted. Then we told her that we could really not give her a choice in the matter and as soon as she was strong enough we were going to re-settle her close by us. We went through her house sorted things out and then hired someone to consign, sell, move (to our house and her new retirement hotel) and donate a bunch of stuff.
Then I decorated her room at the retirement place, with her stuff and some new things. She was mad for a bit until she saw what we had done and how much more attention we were able to give her. Finally she said that she wish she'd done this years ago. She is going to be 95 in October.

This is the second time I have had to do this. Almost the exact situation with my former Mother in Law but that was 15 years ago and she'd had a MI and then a stroke during bypass surgery. We went through 6 months of back and forth and then did the same thing. Actually, I have my new MIl in the same hotel as the first one and I have the same lady help take care of some of her daily needs, like bathing and laundry that don't come with the hotel. Annie, the caretaker, has been a godsend. Both times, it was the right thing to do.

Thanks for your concern and advice. To answer your questions, as Kathy pointed out, it is about independence. It is also about the fact that she doesn't like the cold and wants to stay where it is warm.

Yes, she has consistently refused to leave Tucson. She is open to assisted living. However, when I told her the apartments were only 500 square feet, she asked if I could look into a caregiver arrangement full time at home for the same price. I honestly have no idea.

She has no friends or family any place but on hte east coast. I cannot bear the thought of her being totally by herself out here. I cannot take the time to keep flying out to Arizona. It would be much better to have her with us on the east coast. My family could then visit her and take her out in nice weather -- even if it is to only sit in my yard.

I have no issue with assisted living and have found out she can afford it without liquidating her home (I can rent it out) or her life savings. It may provide her with a healthier environment. I have to leave on Saturday am and just don't know how I can help her sort through everything in this short a period of time....

As far as mental status, it is drug and infection related. However, a key issue now is that her infection is causing diarrhea and she refuses to eat. As a result, she is becoming malnourished. The doctor said "eat or feeding tubes." She has signed the sheet for no feeding tubes. This is a key concern for me.

Again, thank you all!

Andi...my mother had the same problem and the same directive.

While she's still not eating very much we were able to get her to drink her nutrituion. She is getting a protein drink and Glucerna 3 times a day. I think we also tried Boost Plus because they often use that for chemo patients when they start loosing weight. Now she's drinking Mighty Shakes at each meal. Unfortunately, one of my sisters or I had to be there at every meal urging her to drink. Sometimes it would take hours to get one into her.

It's such a vicious cycle once they have diarrhea. They just don't want to eat and soon they have no appetite or desire to eat.

It's so hard to know how to provide her with care. Like many others, we had to force my mother to move to assisted living.

Now that she's been so ill, I know she understands why. The nurse that found her unconscious seven weeks ago probably saved her life. If she'd been alone I hate to think what might have happened.

Parenting our parents is so hard, I'm not sure any of us are prepared for it. Please know that you're not alone in all of this. It's sometimes very hard to do the right thing.

Margo,

Thanks! They have been trying to get her to drink Boost and the Mighty Milkshakes. I am glad that this is an alternative. I wouldn't mind all this, but I have to go home tomorrow and leave her here.

Andi,

Doesn't the hospital have a social worker who could be helpful to you with local resources? It's doubly hard for you, not being familiar with same!

Andi...I know how hard it's going to be for you to be on that plane! And, while it's difficult to leave her in the hands of the hospital staff, there are many dedicated professionals there that will help in your mother's care.

She's in a better place than she was, and with time she has a good chance to get stronger. Hopefully the social services staff will help you to sort out her care options.

We'll keep both of you in our thoughts and prayers.

Andi, our thoughts are with you and your mom. I can't imagine how difficult it will be to get on that plane tomorrow. Keep us updated on how the both of you are doing.

Andi: Just checked this thread and realized all is not well - it is a roller coaster ride - I went through this ten yrs ago with my mother's 3 older, by many years, sisters - very proud women and two lived together in a wonderful old house they adored and NEVER would they give up their HOME and go into a nursing home - - one an old maid and two widowed at young age - none had children so my brother and i were "it" - finally reached the point where I had to fly up and tell them "this is what we have to do and you must go into a nursing home" I think I cried all night after telling them - - I remember my brother calling me every week, he lived in same town as they did, and telling me "Joanna, you must talk to them they will not listen to me" ...one of the hardest things I have ever done - we found a great facility in Ct and all 3 went in together!!! - they ended up making the best of it and I think the highlight was they had other people around - NOT an easy thing I understand - I was flying up to Ct once a month for a year before we had to say enough!!!! I wish you well....Joanna

Andi,

I know from very personal experience how conflicted you are with this situation. I walked many miles in your shoes and really do feel for you so very much. Leaving when a parent is in this condition is so very hard. If you need to honor her wishes, then so be it. Forcing her to live someplace she refuses to go to really accomplishes little, except more grief for you both. I do think that arranging care for her in her home is the way to go and social services through the hospital or through senior services organizations within the state of Arizona should be able to direct your way through this confusing maze. I know that Tucson has a very large Jewish community. You may want to inquire through Jewish Family Service or other organizations (temples, etc.).

As I said previously, you are really doing the best you can and hopefully, things will take a turn to your mother's favor.

Take care, my friend. I am thinking of you and your mother and sending caring thoughts your way.

Isn't it amazing how many of you have been through this? Last night, Alan and I enjoyed visiting with Andi. After listening to the situation, I'm considering writing an article on the difficulties of "absentee" caregiving.

Denise, your advice is excellent. Actually, I'm involved with a volunteer caregiving service which I have mentioned to Andi. But, we got to visiting last night and I never gave her the contact information. Andi, I'll email you tomorrow.

I volunteer my writing and leadership skills with Interfaith Community Services. It is an organization of faith communities (Jewish, Christian, Catholic and Mormon so far) that pool financial resources and volunteers to help the elderly, disabled and/or financially deprived maintain independent lives as long as possible. We are funded by the member faith communities, private donations and a small number of grants. Volunteers do all the work except for a small administrative/social work staff. It's a great organization with a very low administative cost (less than 10%) which means almost all of the money goes to helping others. If Andi's mother stays in her home, then ICS might be able to help her through mobile meals and other services that provide rides, friendly telephone calls and health advocacy. Of course if Andi's mom goes to assisted living then that would be the facility's job and it wouldn't be appropriate for my agency to help.

Andi, hope you found some solutions today. This isn't an easy time for you or your mom. Hang in there!

Thank you all again. I have found this hospital caregiver network most UNhelpful. In fact, today, I got a call while touring a nursing facility that the doctor and caregiver wanted to leave work at 4 for family reasons and I was to return immediately. They told me that they would release my mother to the nursing facility and I needed to arrange and pay for independent travel to the facility. I asked what they would do if I were not there? No response. I rushed back to the hospital and no one was there.

I have been most impressed with the two nephrologists I have met, but unimpressed with the rest. Her primary care physician doesn't even return calls.

I put off leaving until Monday, due to the fear of neglect for her. She has a terrible stomach infection and must visit the toilet often and she can ring the bell for 15 minutes with no one responding. If she is not out of there by Sunday, I will insist that she be moved.

On the most positive note, this trip enabled me to get to know Donna and Alan. I feel that I have now made the acquaintance of two wonderful folks and look forward to being able to reciprocate their kindness on a return trip to Tucson (or NY). :lct: I find it fascinating that this board seems to collect the most wonderful folks...you all know who you are and Doug and I are glad to know you. Thank you RSSC and Ngaire.

I feel your frustration, Andi. Don't blame you one bit - this has been an emotional roller coaster and frankly, the care coordinator that should be arranging the discharge of your mother is doing a remarkably poor job. As you have said, if you feel that your current hospital/nursing facility is doing a poor job, you SHOULD insist that she be transferred (assuming that her insurance covers other nursing facilities) :( Hang in there ... many many caring thoughts in your direction.

Masaki